Times Of India's Lifestyle Columns Blow

The most depressing thing for a comedy writer in Indiais probably the existence of timesofindia.com. Busting your nut trying to come up with sharp one liners, incisive socio-political commentary and give an edgy perspective on issues - only to see it get ripped like an aspergers patient trying to peel a potato (Subtlety alert – Here a human nut referred to earlier is compared to an oddly shaped potato given the similarity in colour and importance of what actually lies beneath the skin. Post graduate readers will also enjoy the joke being stretched to the fact that having sex would mean getting lay’d, another potato reference) is as disheartening as a stone pelter accidentally hitting Syed Shah Geelani.

Thus, the “few” times the website gives me an opportunity to expose its loopholes, I consider it a responsibility more fundamental than a Pakistani troll making a reference to cow-urine. And on that piss poor note, we move to today’s subject – Why Times of India’s lifestyle columns blow. To flesh out this anal theory, I will now expose the futility of tips presented by one member of their staff.

Try new places:

An article in toi urged its readers to try having sex in various locations other than the bed. While there are reasons to follow this advice in the interest of not staining ones bedsheets or breaking ones back/getting flesh wounds given how a majority of Indians still sleep on coir or don’t replace their foam mattresses till they turn into coir, lets look at their options.

Couch: Let’s be honest. You really think having sex on a couch is a good idea given how 83% households don’t even remove the fucking plastic? If you’ve ever had cheese singles for breakfast, you know how annoying it is to have shit stuck and peeling all over you. While it does throw up the fascinating notion of the couch having a condom while you don’t, just think of how pissed you get when the screen protector of your phone starts sliding on the screen a bit. So treat your couch respectfully.

On the flipside, if you don’t have plastic coating on your couch, how many Indians do you think really vacuum their couches everyday? Would you really want to have sex on a couch which has pieces of hair, wool and the remote lodged between the cushions? It’ll feel like you’re getting pre-anal just by lying down on it. So seriously, avoid the couch. 

Bathtub: First off, a minor % of our population even has a bathtub. In Bombay for example, a bathtub is called a 1 BHK. And even those who have a bathtub in bigger cities, given the erratic water supply and the time it takes mix hot and cold to leave a temperature that doesn’t burn or shrink your dick, you’re better off watching porn on a 16.6 kbps dial up. Thus, avoid bathing in each others shit, and leave the bathtub alone.

Stairs: Have you not seen the Commonwealth Games Village images or do you really not know how filthy most Indian staircases are? Or would you rather your neighbours watch through their doors magic eye? Ladies, if you want something flat, dirty and crumbling under your ass – you’re better of straddling Dev Anand.

Next up are tips that the TOI gives its female readers to drive their man wild in bed. Let’s take a peek-a-boo.

Give some subtle suggestions:

For men a woman's libidinous longings are not always easy to decipher. If you drop some hints about what all you want and guide him along, he will love you for it.

Now it’s hard for me to say this, but for once, they’re correct. Men really *do* need subtle suggestions from women. It’s why we keep staring at you all the time in the bus or train, so that the *second* you look at us, we kidnap you because we know you want to fuck us. It’s the reason why when you’re shouting NAHIIIIII! NO! LET ME GO! Men realise that you actually WANT to be raped. It’s why when we walk up to you in a bar and crack an old as hell pick up line – and you laugh on our faces – we think “hassi to phassi”. And my personal favourite, it’s why the fake male actors on Emotional Atyachaar are given dialogues like “Will you like to do sex?” Because that’s what sex really is like isn’t it – homework. So yeah, subtle suggestions.

Bowl him over with a wild move:

Do something unexpected and wild when you both are at it. Something erotic that he will not be able to forget soon.

Again, a classic tip which is redundant. The fact is that agreeing to have sex with an Indian man is the wildest move you will probably make anyway. And as far as both not being able to forget soon? That is also guaranteed since you won’t forget how soon he finished and he won’t let anyone in his social circle forget that he actually got laid. There is perhaps one wild thing you can do though – when he’s making your MMS (likely without permission) feel free to show your face. It’s as rare as pimps and hookers removing the towel from their faces in front of the media after getting caught.

Don't be scared to be naughty:

Don’t hold back when you’re with your guy. Yes, we know that you have this 'good-girl' image that you hold sacred. Men like to see this other side of you.

To explain the pitfalls of this advice, let me give you the life cycle of an attempted and actual relationship.

Attempted: Crush -> Obsession -> Proposal -> Rejection -> Hatt randi hai saali bhen ki lodi iske saath kaun jaayega.

Actual: Crush -> Reciprocation -> Togetherness -> Companionship -> Love -> Getting naughty -> Time -> Boredom -> Wanting to cheat -> Breaking up -> Hatt randi thi saali bhen ki lodi uske saath kaun rahega

As can be seen, whether you reject a guy, break up with the guy, have any sort of intimacy that turns sour, wear short skirts, drink and make merry in the state of Haryana and countless other examples – it is ALWAYS best that you stay true to your Indian values, sleep in a saree wearing a chastity belt that weighs the same as your naulakha haar and make babies while the man stays 3 feet away from you.

So for your sake and mine, avoid being naughty.

Give him an eyeful:

Leaving something on your body, for him to remove can be very arousing. When you are at it just make sure you are near a mirror so that you can see yourselves in action.

Like I said before, the only time you need a mirror around is if you need to identify your rapist. Beyond that, given how barely any Indian man shaves his lower back or exercises enough, I really don’t see how it can look hot. The last thing you want to think about while “doing the sex” (I can’t get enough of this term) is if your man’s boobs are competing with yours.

And for the last time, you leaving something on for us to take off is just a waste of time. Here is the template that an Indian man works on while having sex. (Gathered after the extensive research conducted in my Differences between North and South Indian porn post)

Kiss -> Boob grab -> Boob as water in oasis -> Hallelujah

As you can see, there is no foreplay. The only *real* arousal that happens when you take something off is if it’s the ring.

Now I wish I could elaborate more on how ridiculous their advice is (Give your man variety of positions and speed – Really? How dare the woman know what she is doing? Does that mean she has had sex before? That kind of behaviour is so immoral I’d send her to a bar and then go inside and beat the shit out of her. How dare she want to sexually express herself? Damn that Madonna!) but instead I will leave it to one of the commentators on their pieces. I can’t do as a good a job, even if I try.

Gorakshaker (Village Pirni, Yavatmal)

All these tips are useful to educated city ladies who read books on sex, see porn videos and discuss sex in kitty parties. I am from the village and married to an uneducated village lady, who has been told by her mother that sex is for procreation only. During the last 8 years that I have been married to her, she allowed me to have sex only in the dark of the moonless night only and we havn't seen each other's organs so far. Do you have any tips to change the mindset of this kind of ladies? There are many in our country.

P.S. Props to TOI for frequently using stock photos of inter-racial couples in various states of undress and justifying Priyanka Chopra's role in Fashion.