nanda kumar jai Open letter

Dear G.

Have you looked at a mirror recently? No? Didn’t think so. Not that your consequence of a ménage a trios between Steven Seagal, a porcupine and bubble wrap face is worth looking at more than a solar eclipse, but if you did, I’m sure you would have noticed your head having swollen more than an excited Hippo’s testicles oozing with the same cockiness Shoaib Akhtar bowls his deliveries with before getting creamed like a diabetic’s morning chai. So what the fuck happened? Weren’t you this hotshot 24 year old who had promised to never be politically correct no matter what the issue, reactions be damned? Weren’t you the one who got pissed off at all these bloggers who kept sucking up to each other for fear of alienating a community or reader base? Weren’t you the one that kept lecturing everyone about the bullshit that is our culture of celebrity worship? So what the fuck happened? Where is the real you and why are you suddenly acting like Shahid Kapoor at a spelling bee?

Was it the sudden popularity of your blog thanks to Faking News linking some of your stories to it’s website? Was it the ego the size of Sagarika Ghose that emerged from being recognized by fans while you were out watching a movie at a mall? Was it the random women adding you on your Gtalk, wanting to share their intimate secrets and making pseudo wedding proposals? Or was it the newspapers and websites that started getting in touch with you asking you to write for them? When did you flip the switch? Infact, if I were to use a World Wrestling Federation analogy, when was the exact moment you decided to switch from being Stone Cold Steve Austin into “The Narcissist” Lex Luger? From being a fearless foul-mouthed renegade into a clusterfucked wannabe celebrity who did shit on purpose only to get noticed? From a sharp socio-cultural observer to being a playa hater living on cheap analogies and scurrilous comments in the name of irreverence?

For someone who made a living making fun of Uday Chopra and Chetan Bhagat, you are now a mere localized wannabe clone of the exact same people – locally famous for being locally famous, and pandering to an audience by making third rate crap ass observations. You, sir, have mentally, creatively and artistically, sold out. Even a Pathan keeps his goat for longer than you have kept your word to yourself. And there ain’t no way in hell you’re getting a book deal anytime soon. Your name does NOT rhyme with Pigeon.

And what gave you the impression that you were the hottest dick in the world of blogger-dom since random Bengali’s and Tamilians living abroad started calling themselves socio-cultural commentators anyway? The fact that you 2000 followers on Twitter in 3 months? That Delhi Times (the world’s crappiest newspaper) decided to publish a tweet of yours on it’s front page once? That BlogAdda featured your joke as a perky tweet? BlogAdda? BlogAdda?!! The network that has lesser fans of Facebook than your own personal friends list? What the fuck is up with that? You couldn’t even win a goddamn Indiblogger contest, even after writing that Open letter to Sania Mirza – the one that got 3500 Likes on Facebook – supposedly your best piece of work - losing to a jackass who is the biggest grammar gandu since Shakeela tried speaking in Hindi. Who the fuck are you kidding?

What happened to that Facebook page of yours where you said you wanted to make a community of friends and readers to get insight into people’s minds? Where are the conversations? Why do you reply quicker to women but ignore men’s friends requests? Can’t you think of something remotely funny to quell your fans fake sense of entitlement instead of posting random unfunny Youtube links that people can find anyway?

And what’s with the constantly changing your display picture and tweeting like other people? Don’t you have any other original ideas? You keep taking about how other people use the same old jokes and you keep repeating the same shit about Arnab Goswami and Sania Mirza over and over? Really? And why do you think you’re the only intelligent fucker in the world anyway? Just because you got some full scholarships you couldn’t eventually utilize you think you’re the smartest chap since Aamir Khan? Just see the kind of stuff people are doing at your age, instead of sitting on your ass at home all day thinking you are some sort of Twitter celebrity whose opinion people give a shit about. There are enough pseudo wannabe hacks who are trying to be funny, and no one will give a shit even if you disappear tomorrow. Just look at what happened to Sunil Pal.

You know, I really liked you when you started out. You had all sorts of promise, volatility and just the right kind of crazy. But here you are now, just a couple of months in without any real success to show off, with a dick the size of Peter North and a world-view to boot. Get real, get a job, get your life in order and get back your development sector roots. And no, stop thinking about being a stand up comic.