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Dear Sania

It took me a while to come to terms with the mental picture of your body being wrapped around Shoaib Mailk’s like a Roomali Rotiaround a Seekh Kebab, but I guess Allah ki yehi marzi thi. I will not lie and pretend I was alright. I tried drowning myself in the Yamuna but got washed ashore by a dead cow’s carcass and an illegal Commonwealth Games construction worker. I tried walking in front of a car but a BMW crashed into it before it could hit me. I tried overdosing on sleeping pills but they turned out to be counterfeit. I even tried stabbing myself with scissors, but their blades were already too blunt at years of having cut out your pictures from Sports star magazine. I guess we were never meant to be together, but I want you to know that I lull myself to sleep every night by listening to Mariah Carey’s “Always be my baby” and imagining being caressed by your oceans of bodily folds and ittar scented armpits while staring at your golf course like cheeks. In my dreams atleast, we will always be together, and you will win a match.

What did anger me was our cheap, publicity seeking media whores refusing to give you your space. Has-been excuses for women’s emancipation like Shobha De were trashing you and the only one who stood up for you was Talat Aziz. Talat Aziz! That man has not banged anything in his life except a tabla! And he was out trying to defend your raging hormones? I wish I could have been there, just to prove how much I love you. And after all that, I heard you were even losing all your endorsements. Cadburys (a company whose products you clearly love) Tata Indicom (a company whose phone you OBVIOUSLY use) Hyundai Getz (the only car your supple bubblewrapped globes can fit in) Atlas Cycles (the only thing you have perhaps not ridden) Sprite (which obviously didn’t bujhao your pyaas) Sahara India (who tricked you into thinking they manufactured bras) and TVS Scooty (whose seat you use when your ass gets itchy) all seem to be withdrawing their endorsements. And for what Sania? For following your dreams and wanting to marry the man you are rumoured to already having been married to? What kind of cruel world do we live in?

But I want you to know that as my final gesture to you, towards a love stronger than the friendship between China and Pakistan, I have already initiated contact with other companies that want you and your husband (sic) to be their brand ambassadors. Just my way of saying thanks for all the wallpapers and screensavers that satiated my teenage desires in an increasingly expensive world. Please tell your agent to contact the following:

Secondshaadi.com: I know you always loved seconds – be it biryani/ghee rice at a wedding or the round where you exited a grand slam. This site is a perfect fit for both your husband. Call them quickly though, I hear Rahul Mahajan’s agent was also trying to strike something.

IDP Australia: Sania, you and you alone can bridge the strained relations between the Indian and Australian government over attacks on our students there. IDP is the agency that promotes studies in Australia. And since Study@UK wont take you for having dumped your ex who was studying in Warwick, and met your new husband in Oz while he was doing some corporate re-structuring with the Akmal brothers, it is the perfect opportunity for you two to promote how Australia brings people together. Millions of Indian and Pakistani kids will have their faith re-instated and be able to relate to your story since they sell their land to goto that country to bang chics anyway.

Vodafone India: This one is easy. Have you noticed how Ayesha Siddiqui’s face looks like the Vodafone pug? All you need to do is convince the company to replace the pug with “Aapa”. Waise bhi she was following your husband since 2 years anyway. I doubt there is a better substitute for a network that never lets you go.

Ebay.in: Now that you will never wear any of your tennis clothes again, it’s the best time to sell them on eBay and make some money off it while you can. Even if fans can’t fit into your shirts, atleast they can cut it in half and use it as curtains. That way when the wind blows, their rooms will smell of your success.

Yash Raj Studios: Also easy since you both are the sports equivalents of role models as Uday Chopra is to Bollywood. And i'm guessing even if you both are launched as many times as him, you will have similar degrees of success. Maybe you can release a Collectors Edition Blu-Ray of Veer Zaraa. I would suggest Gadar, but I think the “hand pump” scene would mean different things to people if you two were involved.

With that, I wish you both a successful future full of happiness, relative success and liberal Muslim babies. My heart, I guess, will have to goto someone else.

Oooo. Gul Panag is on Twitter?