times of india

Dear ARNAB GOSWAMI

I WANT TO START BY CONGRATULATING YOU ON WINNING THE ASSAMESE OF THE YEAR AWARD FOR 2010. NOT ONLY DID IT RE-AFFIRM MY FAITH IN THE INDIAN AWARD SYSTEM (WHICH I LOST EVER SINCE ARINDAM CHAUDHARI GOT OVERLOOKED FOR EMPLOYER OF THE YEAR) , MY SOURCES TELL ME EVEN CHINA HAS AGREED TO BACK OFF FROM THE BORDER DISPUTE IN ASSAM AFTER SEEING THE KINDS OF SONS ITS SOIL PRODUCES. I ALSO HOPE YOU WILL ACCEPT AND APPRECIATE MY TRIBUTE TO YOUR SKILLS AS A TV ANCHOR AND MODERATOR THROUGH THIS LETTER – WHICH I HAVE TRIED TO EMULATE BY WRITING EVERYTHING IN CAPS WHETHER IT IS REQUIRED OR NOT.  I MIGHT NEVER BE ABLE TO SIT WITH YOU IN YOUR STUDIO AND APPRECIATE YOUR LOUD PROCLAMATIONS ABOUT “REAL” ISSUES, BUT HOPEFULLY THROUGH THIS CAPS FILLED LETTER, YOU WILL REALISE HOW MUCH I ENDEAR IT. I APOLOGISE FOR THE TEXT BEING BLUE – ITS JUST THAT THE COLOUR OF YOUR STUDIO GETS BURNED IN MY RETINA AFTER WATCHING YOUR HARD-HITTING AND SLICKLY PRODUCED SHOW EVERY NIGHT CALLED “THE NEWS HOUR”.

Your critics say a one horned Rhino gets poached in Kaziranga every time you open your mouth on television. I say they are all jealous of your success. I rebut them by saying the same thing you say – “Our news is popular, but not populist”. They say that’s like Michael Jackson saying “I love kids, and I love to love kids”. I tell them they’re jealous and secretly funded by Barkha Dutt. They say atleast she doesn’t interrupt her guests like a autistic child watching Avatar in 3D. I cry, but in 2D.

I don’t know how they can be so blind so as to not see your talent. In the last few months you’ve held debates on issues that have been sub-judice. No one else had the courage or skill to debate an issue which no one is allowed to comment on for an hour. You managed to bring 10 guests together in one studio during the election and give them each over 19 seconds to speak. You gave Navika Kumar, your political correspondent more than 37% of screen time, which is a lot more than what is mandated in the Women’s reservation bill. You could even predict that players such as Odafa Onyeka Okolie were drunk before the cops could do a sobriety test. I am damn sure they got someone else to take the breathalyser just so that they could defame you.

You are so compassionate in fact, that while you were running the campaign against the Australian government for not being able to protect Indian students in their universities and asking students to come back, you simultaneously ran a show called “The Foodie” every day “LIVE from Australia” where the anchor called viewers come down and try some Koala meat. I am humbled by your ability to forgive and your compassion towards giving people another chance. I am sure, Nalini would want you as Prime Minister.

Infact, you are the only one I know who could execute the epic trinity of making Karan Thapar shut up, make Vir Sanghvi look pleased outside of a 5 Star in South-East Asia where the waitress actually knew that there was infact no such thing as Chicken Manchurian, and make Satish Gujral say "that's fucked up". That is not something you can learn, its something you are born with.

Arnab, I also don’t want you to take offence to the politicians who come only to malign you on your show. We all know Abhishek Manu Singhvi is a mere mouthpiece who combines the acting skills of Anupam Kher and the legal know-how of Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny. We also know that Ravi Shankar Prasad is like an aroused clitoris that convolutes and goes ballistic at the mere mention of the word “Mr. Advani”. In effect, you are what Michael Lewis calls a “Big Swinging Dick” in his book “Liar’s Poker”. I’m sure you will love it. Just give it a go.

And finally, there are some who say you suffer from delusion. I checked the indicators of being delusional on Wikipedia, and this is what it showed me.

1. The patient expresses an idea or belief with unusual persistence or force. (Adrian James Honan)
2. That idea appears to exert an undue influence on his or her life, and the way of life is often altered to an inexplicable extent.
3. The individual tends to be humorless and over-sensitive, especially about the belief. (John Parsons)
4. An attempt to contradict the belief is likely to arouse an inappropriately strong emotional reaction, often with irritability and hostility. (Matthew Ludgate)(Adrian James Honan).
5. The patient is emotionally over-invested in the idea and it overwhelms other elements of his or her psyche.

I guess it proves they are all wrong.

I want you to keep on forging ahead and shining the beacon of your truth upon us Indians, Arnab. Without you, we will be nothing. Without you, our country will be Rajat Sharma and Vikram Chandra’s oyster.