Internet trolls

Dear troll whose name I can’t decipher since it’s written purely with special characters,

Even though I know you’ll be busy spending your final 20 rupees in a basement cyber café playing “a/s/l a/s/l” with who you think is a real woman with a webcam right now, I want to draw your attention for a minute just to tell you one thing. Thank you.

Thank you for your miserable existence and lack of self-respect that makes you click on my website and bait people through your denigratory comments. I know it’s hard having a childhood where no one listens to you, but I hope my website proved that there are indeed people who care about your opinion, even if they don’t agree. Thanks to you and the constant flame wars you keep starting, my hit count has gone through the roof, and I now make enough Adsense money to live a comfortable life, LCD TV et all. And even though your reacting like a hamster in heat to every article I write can be disconcerting at times, I laud you for your persistence and effort in making sure your voice gets heard, something I’m sure even the staffers preparing dossiers for Pakistan at the MHA will be proud of.

I can only hope that someday you will become our country’s ambassador to the UN and educate the world on how every Pakistani is a terrorist, every Hindu drinks piss, every woman looks randy and the best baba is afterall, desi. I’m sure once people manage to look past your Rapidex English course inspired sentence construction skills, they will contact you through the e-mail and web address you always leave behind and submit themselves to your prescribed path.

So once again, with all my heart, thank you.

As appeared on Hindustan Times - Brunch dated July 18, 2010. I was told I should plug this, and it'll hold you guys off for another couple of days. Yes, I was limited to 300 words and no, you can't use the F word in mainstream publications.