times india

Dear Manmohan,

First of all let me just say that I’m thoroughly disappointed in you. As a fellow Sikh, or as Obama would say, a brotha from anotha motha, I have been brought up to believe that the mark of an intelligent, sophisticated and capable Sikh is through the quality of his turban. (Case and point, Navjot Singh Sidhu, Daler Mehndi, Milkha..umm etc) And while I was willing to forgive your Mexican wrap on account of old age, I notice even your closest Sikh advisor, Montek Singh Ahluwalia, ties his turban in the opposite direction. This is not only blasphemous, but also makes me think you have inherited Maharaja Ranjit’s Singh’s stone eye – for during your administration, other capable Sikhs like Harbhajan Singh never learnt how to tie one, J.J. Vallaya started keeping a pony tail and the other spin legend - Maninder Singh tried slitting his wrist. Hell, even Sant Chatwal lost the special place he had in Hillary Clinton’s heart to Shah Mahmood Qureshi. I feel your lack of turban tying skills has had an adverse impact on the Sikh community. You will do well to stop hanging out with Meghnad Desai and live upto the reputation Zail Singh managed to create for our people.

Second of all, for someone who single handedly ushered India’s economic revolution through reforms we had but no choice to make, your current predicament worries me. Infact, I was very proud of the fact that the Sikh community is perhaps the only one which has no beggars, and then Sonia Ji made you P.M. Infact, I think if my testicle grew some white hair (the wrinkle already makes it look like it’s smiling) and was used as a ping pong ball, it’d remind people of you going back and forth between managing the country and getting directions straight from the bofor’s mouth. It’s something I wish you don’t have to go through, and for that reason, I wanted to offer you my advice over some things that I wish you to accomplish by the end of your term. 

Tackling Terrorism: Now I know people have been knocking you about being soft on terror just because you don’t hang Afzal Guru but I can feel your pressure man. Being Sikh how can you hang anyone who’s got a Guru in their name? We have ten and they sacrificed their lives for the country already so how can we make another one a martyr? I totally get it. I also get that people just don’t have the vision to realise that you’re implementing a commonly used African model in Jammu and Kashmir of using sports to alleviate poverty. I know in another 20 years our boys from up north will be winning gold medals in short put the same way decades of khapping in Haryana has led to the emergence of our medal winning boxers. But still Mannu, for dossier’s sake, you need to do something.

Victor Hugo once said “No army is as strong as an idea whose time has come”. Manmohan, that army is terrorism, and that idea, is Zinda-Shaheed M.S. Bitta.

Bitta of the All India Anti Terrorism Front, an organization that organizes many conferences and seminars to talk about the threat of terrorism and terrorizes cities walls through it’s graffiti and posters is the only thing that can stop terrorism across India. You want to protect Indians across the country? Stock his semen in every sperm bank across the country and give it to every mother who comes in for IVF. Not only will it protect the future of the Sikh community, you can be rest assured that our next generation will be bunch of badasses who can survive 100s of bullet wounds like 50 cent and spin Sunny Deol around like a basketball after shoving their finger up his ass. Other initiatives that you must take at the earliest is fenceIndia’s entire border regions with his 30 foot cutouts. Not only will it (insert every Chuck Norris and Rajnikant you can find joke here), scare the fuck out of future Kasab’s trying to enter Mumbai etc but also provide employment to hundreds and thousands of artists across the country who are broke and poor because of multiplexes having taken away their livelihoods. Plus he’s an ex-youth congress president. Even Berlusconi Jr. shouldn’t have a problem with supporting this initiative.

Tackling Price Rise: Again, this worries me. First I thought people would be smart enough to realise that it is impossible for countries and PM’s to be able to do much about price given the global economic recession, Indian ODI team’s success mimicking crude oil prices and Yash Raj’d agricultural production patterns. But as a famous Lok Sabha speaker (allegedly) said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman ousted from Delhi’s Chief Ministership due to onions.” But I’m with you Mannu. I see how you’ve structured the Nuclear Liability Bill in such a way that when all new reactors are constructed across India, the impending disaster will greatly reduce the human population in that area, thus reducing the stress on agricultural and product based demand. I can see how these inadvertent mishaps will trigger a chain reaction and slump demand, thus reducing the price of goods (whichever are still available – perhaps some leftovers from the relief effort in Leh) for everyone.

I also realise what a genius you are by not giving the rotting leftover foodgrain to poor people for free. As I learnt at a recent Shiv Khera lecture, for an individual to be successful in life – the most important thing is having the hunger. With this epic plan of starving people even though it is within our means to feed them, you are actually empowering them and creating the desire in them to be successful. I don’t know about you, but I smell Social entrepreneurship and Venture Capital fund! I suggest you tell your detractors to ride a train through a Naxal area at night and stick with the programme. This sort of vision would make Stevie Wonder jealous.

Fixing the fiscal deficit: Even though we have a healthy forex reserve, I know the economist in you is dying to get cracking over fixing the fiscal deficit. My suggestion is -sell the states of Bihar and Jharkhand toJapan. (Seriously, those fucks will invest in anything, especially shit connected to the Buddha) First I thought we should sell Madhya Pradesh to the Italians, seeing as how they’re used to living with the Vatican being in the middle of the country and your party’s professional network with influential people there – but then I realised Bihar and Jharkhand to Japan makes a lot more sense. First, we already have an existing catchment of tourists who visit every year. Second, given that these states bring down our Human Development Index and GDP from Wasim Akram’s levels to that of Ravindra Jadeja, it will be a big boost for Rest of India’s image. Third, let’s just agree that it’s next to impossible for us to govern these states given the amount of crime, corruption and Naxal presence – and that it requires the kind of discipline and technology only Samurai who invented the Nintendo Wii have. Fifth, teen suicide rates in Japanese society are almost equal to farmer suicide rates in these states – thus making it an excellent socio-cultural fit and finally, what better way to create a new buffer against the sneaky Chinese now that we washed our hold over Nepal faster than Sanjeev Nanda washed his BMW?

I don’t know about you – but I smell first turbaned man since Osama to be Man of the Year.

Improving primary education: As a Cambridge educated elite, I am sure you’ve been looking at improving the quality of India’s primary education from a structural standpoint. Forget building schools in new areas, recruiting new teachers, mid-day meal schemes or building toilets so that girls can also get educated. The simple solution to improving primary education in India is this: White Women.

What you need to do is put Nandan Nilekani (or Hrithik Roshan) in charge of a national education mission whose sole role is to recruit white skinned women of any race (I recommend people from Central Asia. They come here in droves as part of the hooker business anyway plus are much cheaper than the European variety) to come and teach in select primary schools in every district of India. Indian kids, teenagers and men since the days of our first Prime Minister have long been fascinated by white women and will agree to building the dam at Narmada if they can get to look at a real live white chic every day for 4 hours. You will see enrolment numbers jump and stay consistent, the demand for mid day meals reduce and caste wars over who sits next to who forgotten.

I also suggest you teach kids Rhonda Byrne’s “The Secret” and “The Power”. I hear Suresh Kalmadi is using it to excellent effect while managing the Commonwealth Games.

Re-structure Indian sports federations: I don’t want to lecture you too much anymore, but I would like you to implement just ONE rule when it comes to Sports Federations in India. Just make it mandatory for the person who is the Chief of the Federation to be have had/or be able to actively play that sport. That is all. Doesn’t even have to be a champ, as long as he can play it. Like is Sukhdev Singh Dhindsa is the Chief of the cycling federation, he should be able to bend his knee on an exercycle. Or if V.K Malhotra is the Chief of the Archery Federation - he should be able to lift and hold a bow and arrow for 5 minutes. 5 minutes, that is all. And for the love of god, can you atleast remove Jagdish Tytler as Chief of Judo Federation? You realise he joined it to defend himself from – take a wild fucking guess!

Legalise gay marriage: Now that you’ve almost lost all your supporters, there is a section of the community whose lives you can change for the better while your are still Prime Minister. For the love of god make gay marriage legal. I know you’ve taken “some” steps already and it’s not your biggest priority – but if nothing else do it for our culture. Can you imagine how much more fun it will be to have so many more weddings and baraats in the city? The lights, the dancing, the traffic, the yummy food?! How can you not appreciate that as a Punjabi? Not only will it be even better for our people, it will bring more tourists toIndia than hosting three Commonwealth Games in a year. Shine your liberal democratic beacon in the world community even higher and show Sarah Palin who’s her daddy.

And last but not least Manmohan, I hope you become less reticent. I know you were a reluctant Prime Minister last term, but this is your time, your legacy. We haven’t had a cleaner and more ethical Prime Minister in our lives and we probably never will. We want to hear what you have to say and we want to know your human side instead of what your craptacular speech writers feed you every national holiday. So please, make an effort, loosen up and lead us.

If we wanted a dead turkey, we’d have made Shivaj Patil P.M.