Open Letter Chetan Bhagata

Dear Chetan

Actually, fuck that.

Chetan,

I could tolerate Five Point Someone like I could the occasional “Baarish ho rahi hai, it’s raining” by Anu Malik. However, just because people pat you on the back once does not mean you start doing it all the fucking time! It’s the same reason why Harbhajan Singh doesn’t open the batting, Mimoh Chakravarty doesn’t act anymore and Rakhi Sawant refuses to marry. But no! You think you’re Karan Thapar’s gift to the world of my-secret-fantasies-dressed-as-fiction. You think your “substitute for a BT Brinjal wearing glasses” like face is fit enough to be portrayed in a movie by Salman Khan. You think you are changing the world by getting people to start reading and learning new English words. Here are some words for you Chetan. “Derivative”. Or would you prefer “stereotype”?

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you have changed the world. I guess if it weren’t for you, hundreds of kids wouldn’t be employed as child labour selling your books on traffic signals. If it weren’t for your books, the sanitation levels in our slums would still be 5 times worse and people would not have experienced what 4-ply paper feels like on a shit-smeared ass.

But maybe it’s not your fault. Maybe it’s just your name. Maybe you saw the hundreds of kids walking around with “Che” Guevara T-shirts and thought they were talking about you. Maybe it’s because your surname that is similar to that one badass Sikh freedom fighter who gave up his life for the country. If anything, your whole name should be a sign that you should 1) Get shot 2) Go and hang yourself. If you do, I promise you that your cause will live on a lot longer and more people will read your books. Your move.

Anyway, back to the books. What the fuck is up with those? I’ve only read one, that too from a pirated copy I bought from an 11-year boy, ironically called Krishna. Let me just say, I felt more fucked than Paris Hilton. The plot had more holes than all of Tiger Woods’s mistresses, 3 pounds of Swiss cheese and the Augusta National combined. Your vocabulary had the range of a Japanese tourist in Bihar. Your sentences were as solidly constructed as apartments in Faridabad. Your character development was as interesting as reading an obituary and the emotion! Oh the emotion. You conveyed so much emotion that both my arms automatically started rising in the air like Shah Rukh Khan at the end of every page. 

And you’re India’s highest published author? Just because your books sell for cheaper than a packet of Kurkure, does not mean you keep harping on this statistic. That’s like a man suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome claiming he is the largest producer of turd in a day. Which I guess, is also appropriate, given how your publisher (Rupa Co.) is the namesake of India’s most widely worn underwear brand. 

And if the books weren’t enough, you’ve started giving “Motivational” speeches. Let me just quote some of your brilliance from the “motivational” speech you gave at the HT leadership summit.  “The second mindset we need to change is that of elitism the moment any person becomes even moderately successful, educated, rich, famous, talented or even develops a fine taste, they consider themselves different from the rest”.

First, let me commend you on being brave enough to talk about yourself. Your presence on Twitter has given us great insight into how we really must change this mindset you have so vividly elucidated”

You also go ahead and say stuff like elitism creates “Naive people who elect stupid politicians”. So true sir. And given that the people who read your books are all English literate and do not live in small Hindi speaking towns, they also fall under the same category. Again, I am happy atleast that you recognise your celebrity-dom is based on naïve dumbfucks, which I have since many years been saying form the majority of our populace. Infact that is what prompted me to write this letter, to promote another point you made in your speech “If you are educated, educate others. If you have good taste, improve others taste rather than calling theirs bad.” That is exactly why every time I meet another fan of yours, I give him copies of George Orwell, Nick Hornby and Paul Collier etc instead. I guess the day India finally develops into a super-power and people realise the difference between coming and cumming, you can jet back to Singapore to a life of banking anonymity.

I also hear you are now a judge on Star News’s Anchor Hunt along with other talentless hacks major celebrities of our generation. I’m sure Deepak Chaurasia (who changed employers 3 times within 5 years for money / didn’t know Praveen was Pramod Mahajan’s brother and is considered to be as loyal as the village bicycle) and Tisca Chopra (whose biggest claim to fame is that she’s Khushwant Singh’s granddaughter – your website profile not mine) are happy that you managed to use your extensive network to form a support group for undeserving celebrities. Please let me know which number to call so I can give it to Gul Panag and Riteish Deshmukh.

And finally, I hear you like giving each of your books a number because the banker inside you is just dying to come out. So let me give you some numbers too. 14 minutes – how long it took to write this letter. And 3:16, based on my favourite wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin, who just said he whooped your ass!”