For an average looking mentally unstable 24-year-old with an acne problem, I am quite proud of the relationships I have been in. It is an open secret that the market for Sikh boys is rather limited given that most women outside our community have no training on whether the turban stays or gets removed before and during the act of wild intrepid copulation. Add to that the skewed sex ratio in Punjab (876 per 1000 last I checked, from which if you remove women with moustaches, those that say ass-cream instead of ice-cream, have migrated to Canada and think Jazzy B is god’s gift to mankind you have like 3 left) and we aren’t left with too many options. That said, I have done well for myself across cultures and communities, despite the last two years being rather dry and depressing (God’s way of exacting vengeance for getting my hair cut)
Now, as Peter Parkers dead pop once said, with great relationships come even greater break ups. Having experienced many of them during my lifetime, the last one ending with me being issued a restraining order valid across the European Union, I consider myself a quasi-expert on how a man should cope with relationship distress. I really wanted to write something that would appeal to women (so that the gender ratio of this blog’s Facebook Page improves from its current Punjab levels) but frankly, I know nothing about the opposite sex. Plus I have been reading men’s magazines and websites like askmen.com which give absolutely fucked up, broad, generic advice on how to deal with post partum depression. So here is my 10 Step programme for men to get back on their feet after a crushing break up.
Don’t talk to your guy friends about it: Do not get inspired by rubbish movies like Sex and the City and think that talking to your friends about it at a round table over a Big Chill lunch will help them relate to your pain. That movie is a con-job and Cynthia Nixon is lesbian. Seriously, guys don’t know shit about dealing with relationships. They will hear you out once, twice, thrice, even four times if they’re really close friends, but push them any harder and they will commit suicide listening to Justin Bieber in their dorm room. It is the age of Deepak Chopra and Dr. Phil, thus, you like everyone else has to “be positive!” even if you have testicular cancer. So really, save yourself the insult of being told to “Get over it” and “Move on” by your friends and focus on creating a plan to exact revenge instead. You don’t have to be the bigger person, as long as you don’t take your sad face to your guy friends.
Re-discover your porn stash: There are few things in life that will stay as true to you as your stash of porn. It is perfectly acceptable to dig deep into your reserve and watch your favourite poundings as long as they do not involve children. Personally, I would recommend sticking to Japanese porn. The plot is more robust, the gadgets used more fascinating and the woman for some reason is always a virgin. Also, even if you are watching it in full volume, people will think you are watching Shin Chan as long as your door is closed. Avoid black on black porn if you want to maintain your self-esteem and not feel bad about your comparative manhood.
Get a Playstation 3: I’m reminded of a line from the movie – Men who stare at goats – which went something like “He did what man has always done after getting his heart broken, go to war”. Unless you want to serve in the military (which you should, instead of participating in TV Shows on Bindaas and watching Fauji re-runs on Doordarshan), the only other way to recreate that amount of havoc and feel good about yourself is on a Playstation 3. Get Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2. Better still; get a copy of Killzone 2. The visceral pleasure in killing one bad guy after the other will give you an unparalleled high when your ego has been beaten to pulp by the ex. Besides, online multiplayer provides the option of “pwning” 6-year-old kids across continents who think they are gaming badasses just because they have a sniper rifle and a good vantage point on the game map. Nothing feels as good as lopping of a 6-year-old, headset-wearing prick with a solitary headshot.
Be careful with that Facebook: I know your immediate instinct will be to remove your ex from your Gtalk, Facebook, Twitter, Skype and every other social media ID you possibly have, but it is critical that you think logically and hold on for a minute. One, always let her remove you first. It gives you moral high ground. Second, If she doesn’t, don’t change a thing and continue to spy for as much cannon fodder you can use before you decide to move in for your next epic confrontation (Which you might, a month after you try and fail at all the steps in this post) and continue to upload every happy picture of yourself that you have. Even if you’re depressed as shit, pull a faux Joker on your face.
Get a pet: Again, getting a pet is critical for you to get back your sense of comfort and loyalty. That said, you would have probably spent 20K on a Playstation 3 already so investing in a dog is probably not a good idea. They take too much time, space, effort and money. Cats are useless and will freak you out when you are crying yourself to sleep at night. The best bet is for you to get a bunch of Goldfish. They have just the right amount of cuteness and at 100 bucks a fish, cheaper than a Zinger Meal at KFC.
Beat up that common friend who you couldn’t do anything about while you were still dating: I am sure you must have been forced to be “friends” with a lot of people no matter how much they ticked you off because of your ex. Now is the perfect time to let them know your true feelings. Use brass knuckles for best results.
Join a support group: Remember - no matter how bad you might be feeling, there will always be a bunch of dumbfucks to look down upon who will make you feel better about yourself. I recommend reading some Deepak Chopra books to gain a better sense of self, joining some Art of Living classes and then letting your actual brain take over. The acute concentration of dumbfucks at a single point trying to relate to obscure bullshit geared to make money by playing to our idiocy will leave you feel more confident of your place in life while killing your hope in the progress of mankind. You can also call some banking / insurance call centre agents – make them feel like Christmas came early in the form of a client and then proceed to destroy their ego akin to Afghanistan as soon as they say “Special Offer just for you”
Take a trip: Travelling is always fun. That said, avoid romantic cities like Paris, Istanbul and Rome etc. Seeing couples making out all over the place will not be a pleasant feeling. Instead, save money, book a 5 day 16,000 Rupee package to Thailand, take a cab and tell the driver you want “Boom Boom”. And, oooh, T-shirts are shit cheap.
Avoid the gym: For some reason, a break-up also provides a catalyst for men to hit the gym and feel better about themselves. DO NOT JOIN A GYM. Consider both options. One, you are emotionally distressed. When you go to a gym you will either be reminded of your past because of the incessant grunting noises, or decide to hit on anyone who looks at you twice. Either way, it is not the time for that kind of commitment. And, if you end up liking exercise, you will continue to work out everyday and turn into one of those big muscular men with decimal I.Q. Either way, your loss.
Suicide: If all else fails, commit suicide. There are over 5 billion people on this planet; one person here or there will not make much of a difference. As it is, no one will care beyond a week unless you have Michael Jackson-esque wealth. In addition, you will leave a sense of guilt with all those responsible for the full stop on your largely uneventful and purposeless life. So in the end really, you win.
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